Adventures of Hagrid and the DeathEaterHunterSquad
by AvisBat
Summary: Hagrid has a vision. A vision that will lead him on the greatest adventure of all time. Honest.
1. Chapter 1

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 1

It was not a dark and stormy night. In fact it was quite the opposite. It was midday at Hogwarts, and Hagrid was sat outside his hut.

'THIS SUN IS RIGHT ANNOYING' he boomed. A nearby first-year was knocked over by the sheer power of his voice. Hagrid was still frustrated over his recent purchase at the Leaky Cauldron. 'I finally get meself a nice portable radio off a dude at the bar and this happens!' The radio itself was enchanted to only play Ellie Goulding on repeat. 'This girl can't even sing! Proper music is like...ME!'

Suddenly, Hagrid's hut transformed into a giant crystal disco ball, and Hagrid jumped into the air, where he suspended himself, looking over the Hogwarts courtyard.

'YOU!' Hagrid commanded, pointing angrily at the nearest pupil. The student turned to look at Hagrid, and as he did, he was overcome by Hagrid's Mystical Magics. He instantly grew a beard. A massive beard. He looked like Hagrid but short. Hagrid screamed into the air. '' Hagrid started glowing, more vibrant as he screamed louder and louder.

Hogwarts was engulfed by Hagrid's brilliance. He shined brighter and brighter, until simply looking upon him would turn you permanently blind. Hogwarts students ran in fear, those unfortunate to be near him dropping to the floor, their inferior-to-Hagrid minds unable to comprehend such brilliance. Light refracted off the disco ball, sending beams of light everywhere. Professor McGonagall was struck in the chest by one, and she was instantly turned into a Hagrid clone.

'Oh no, I have been transformed into a Hagrid. How could this happen to me. She said in a completely monotone voice. Everything was blinded by Hagrid's light.

Hagrid woke up. 'That was a top dream,' he stated. This was a fact, as Hagrid had stated it, and Hagrid is law. But the dream had a deeper meaning to Hagrid than the fact that he was the greatest wizard ever to exist. He had seen his calling.

'THAT DREAM WAS OBVIOUSLY SYMBOLIC. I CAN TELL COS IVE HAD A FEW DREAMS IN ME TIME, AND I CAN JUST TELL' Hagrid declared. And he was right. 'IM GOING TO GATHER A GROUP OF WIZARDS AND HUNT DOWN ANYONE WHO RECKONS YOU-KNOW-WHO'S STILL ALIVE. COS HE AINT!' (Not actually sure how Hagrid figured that out from the dream, but obviously, he's much more intelligent than myself)

'RIGHT. MY ADVENTURE STARTS...NOW!' he boomed as he stomped the ground in defiance. Fang cowered in fear and legged it.

Hagrid marched from his hut into the castle, the ground trembling from his mighty, mighty steps. Hagrid was right once again. His adventure had started now. And an adventure it would be.


	2. Chapter 2

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 2

Hagrid had powered his way into the castle. Not that he really needed to, they would have let him in anyway. But Hagrid was determined. He knew what he had to do, and to do that, he needed to gather a team of highly skilled wizards. Hagrid marched into the Great Hall, kicking down the huge doors in an act of defiance.

'OI, EVRYBODY!' He yelled, 'I HAVE SEEN MY TRUE PURPOSE. I MUST HUNT DOWN ALL THE DEATH EATERS THAT ARE STILL AROUND! NOW WHO'S WITH ME?' The Great Hall fell into silence. Students looked awkwardly at each other, unsure what to think of Hagrid's sudden change in personality. McGonagall stood up at the end of the hall.

'Hagrid, you can't ju-'

'I CAN DO WHAT I WANT YOU TWEEDY OLD CROW!' Hagrid boomed. McGonagall suddenly burst into tears and ran away. Upsetting stuff. Hagrid stomped his way to the end of the Great Hall, and turned to look at all the students.

'I am about to embark on a great adventure, and anyone who wants to join me in my quest for glory is free to do so! Now, who want to join me? He exclaimed.

'I am, Hagrid! A voice shouted out. It was George Weasley. 'If it wasn't for that noseless scoundrel, I'd still have a brother!'

'You still have three brothers, George. Why are you still at Hogwarts anyway? You left years ago.'

'IM STILL GRIEVING OKAY! FRED WAS LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!'

'He WAS your brother.'

'I KNOW AND THATS WHY IM GRIEVING YOU HEARTLESS HALF-GIANT!'

'Im sorry George but theres obviously something wrong with you...'

'...just give me a chance, please' George whined in the most defeated voice ever to be heard by wizarding folk.

'Right, fine. Okay. Anyone else?' Hagrid shouted. A girl at the back of the hall stood up and started running towards Hagrid.

'omg i totally wana liek join u n stuf, my names Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I-'

'GET LOST ENOBY!' Hagrid boomed as he pulled out his little pink umbrella ; the deadliest weapon in all of the lands. Hagrid pointed his umbrella at the rabid sub-human and blasted her with his own secret spell – Beardis Grotia. The spell hit her square in the face, knocking her off her feet. As she got back up, the whole of the Hall pointed and laughed her. She now had a beard. A nice beard I might add, one that any man would be proud of. Unfortunately, Little Miss Ebony was not a man, and was very upset by it all.

'OMG U EFFIN PREPZ DONT LOOK AT ME! WAAAAA' she wailed as she ran out of Hogwarts entirely.


	3. Chapter 3

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 3

Hagrid eyed the room carefully. He didn't want any more strange-types like 'Enoby' so he boomed across the Hall,

'RIGHT YOUSE LOT, I STILL NEED PEOPLE FOR MY TEAM, SO YA'D BEST START SHOWIN YERSELVES BEFORE I GET ANGREH!'

A tentative hand raised itself above the crowds. 'I'll join your team.' Hagrid looked towards the source of the voice. It was Justin Finch-Fletchley, professional snake-tempter.

'Okay Justin, snakes seem attracted to your face, and as we all know, Death Eaters have snakes on them. You'll be right useful,' Hagrid explained. Everyone is the Hall started mumbling to each other, in great awe of Hagrid's logic.

'RIGHT, ANYBODY ELSE?' Hagrid proclaimed, further asserting his authority. Everybody stopped murmuring, fearful of the wrath of Hagrid.

Now before I continue, I think it is crucial that I delve a little deeper in to the wrath of Hagrid. I'll explain with a short tale.

_It was a dark day at Hogwarts. Hagrid sat in his hut, alone. Fang was out chasing his tail, and had somehow chased himself into the forest. Hagrid was cooking up some rock cakes, hungry after a hard day being manly. Without warning, the window over his sink smashed, glass littering his kitchen. Looking out of what was his window, he saw three Slytherin students sniggering and laughing. Hagrid snapped. He stood up and kicked down his door with a fierce 'OOF!' The Slytherin pupils panicked and ran. As they turned to run the found themselves face-to-face with Hagrid. Well, it was more face to roughly stomach height; one of the pupils was tall and so was face-to-just-above-stomach height. For a half-giant, he moved blindingly fast. He grabbed all three students by their collars with a single, huge hand and hurled them into the air. Hagrid dusted off his hands as they sailed towards the forest. A few seconds later, they landed with an audible thud, and a whimper from Fang, who was unfortunate to have chased himself directly into Hagrid's throwing trajectory. When the students were recovered from the forest, the students had broken 620 bones between them. Such was the wrath of Hagrid._

Hagrid looked over the crowds in the Great Hall. Another hand raised itself.

'Can I join your team?' It was Argus Filch.

'Ya can't even do magic, man! What use would ya be?' Hagrid replied.

'...I'm pretty good with a brush..'

'Jus' what I was lookin' for! I'd be glad to have you as a member of the Death Eater Hunter Squad!' The entire Hall erupted into cheer. A few nearby students lifted Filch up onto the top of the crowd, the crowd carrying him across the Hall towards Hagrid.

'P-Put me down, right now! Mrs. Norris! My Mrs. Norris, where are you?' Filch cried as he was carried away from his beloved feline friend. Time seemed to travel in slow motion for him, as he was pulled further and further from Mrs. Norris. Tears rolled down his face, his rugged features damp with panic that his cat was being taken from him. Mrs Norris was now a little under 3 feet away from Filch. To Filch, it seemed like miles. The students however, were oblivious. They carried on pulling Filch away from the cat, towards Hagrid, still cheering the whole time. None of them noticed the expression of true loss written over Filch's face.

Hagrid, however, noticed. Probably because his vision is impeccable. He rolled his eyes as he strolled through the crowd, lifting Filch with one hand, and grabbing Mrs Norris with another. He set them both down together with a sigh.

'Ya'd think that cat was a bloody horcrux...'


	4. Chapter 4

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 4

Hagrid decided it was time to move on from Hogwarts, and search elsewhere for members for his team.

'That's it people! I've given you all a chance to join, and if you haven't accepted my graciously generous offer, then TOUGH!' Hagrid's tremendous voice shattered the glasses and goblets of the table, students gasping in shock.

'Now; Filch, George and Justin. We must continue our travels, to Hogsmeade!' Hagrid declared, pointing dramatically towards the doors of the Great Hall. A gust of wind majestically blew through his luxurious locks of hair as he stood in stance at the top of the Hall. Every student looked on in wonder, instantly regretting the fact they had not joined Hagrid in his quest. Hagrid knew this, and chuckled to himself.

'**ONWARDS!**'

Hagrid grabbed his three companions round the shoulders and ran down the Hall, laughing defiantly. He carried his teammates all the way to Hogsmeade in a surprisingly admirable act of strength and stamina. He set Filch, George and Justin down before scanning the streets of Hogsmeade. Justin was gasping for breath, and Filch was practically unconscious. He crawled to his feet as Mrs. Norris crawled out of his coat pocket.

'...' Filch mumbled. Hagrid thought it was Mrs. Norris making a strange sound, but as he turned to investigate the sound, he realised it was in fact Filch. Justin and George realised at roughly the same time, albeit a little later as their minds aren't able to process thoughts quite as quickly as Hagrid's brilliantly advanced mind.

'...what in the name of Odin's beard was _that_?' Hagrid questioned Filch.

'Uh, I just asking my Norris if she was okay...why?' Filch asked, bemused by Hagrid's concern.

'You sounded like a deranged cat on steroids, trying to squeeze its way through a cat flap, the whole time knowing that it will never make its way though. It's just too fat. Way too fat. Even its owners know, but won't help as the cat's insanely independent and reacts to any help offered by clawing its unfortunate victim!' George trailed off. Hagrid gave George a very strange look before turning back to Filch.

'Ya fair did make a weird cat sound.'

Filch realised why they were all confused and grinned, 'Ah of course, I was speaking to Norris in Catspeak. _I _can speak to cats.' Filch looked insanely pleased with himself.

'Ya mean like a Parselwotsit? Yer a weird one you are.' Hagrid replied. Filch's grin faded back to his usual look of sheer dejection.

'No-one understands us, Norris...no-one.' Filch mumbled. The other three rolled their eyes at Filch's strange miaowing sound.


	5. Chapter 5

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 5

Hagrid marched his team straight towards the Three Broomsticks. If he wanted to find more people to add to his squad, there was nowhere better. He stopped as reached the doorway.

'Right, first mission for the founding members of the Death Eater Hunter Squad!' proclaimed Hagrid. Justin beamed at Hagrid's statement.

'What is it? I must know!' He gasped.

'Shut up, stop being so keen.'

'B-But I wa-'

'I SAID SHUSH!'

'...was only showing interest...'

'Well! Anyway! I need to decide on how to enter this well-known and respected establishment.' Hagrid stated.

'You could open the door and walk in...' Filch muttered. Hagrid heard his silly attempt at sarcastic humour and slapped Filch across the face. Filch fell to floor with a 'miaow.'

'I'll have none of that from my hand-selected team! I have half a mind to throw you back to Hogwarts!' Hagrid warned. Filch hung his head, as he knew that Hagrid was perfectly capable of carrying out his threat. Justin helped Filch up from the ground as George turned to Hagrid.

'Hagrid, my man. I think I have the perfect idea...'

It was a quiet afternoon in the three Broomsticks. It wasn't very busy, but it had its fair share of custom. The room was humming with the sound of quiet chatter, everyone talking between themselves. No-one was overly loud, and all was well.

Professor McGonagall was sat the bar, drinking away her troubles. She had been publicly humiliated by Hagrid, in front of everyone in the Great Hall. She had just finished her 17th pint of butterbeer, refusing to drink anything stronger as she personally didn't like the taste and preferred to stay with something a little sweeter. She put down her mug as she heard a slight rumbling. She thought she was hearing things, so she just asked for another butterbeer. As she took it from the bartender, however, she heard the rumbling sound again. She turned to the door, the source of the strange sound. As she stood up and walked towards the door, the sound got louder and louder.

Suddenly the door was flung from its hinges, flying across the room and crashing into the wall opposite, narrowly missing and elderly wizard who fell over from shock and crawled off mumbling obscenities to himself. As McGonagall brandished her wand to the unknown threat, fireworks erupted from the doorway, sparks lining the wooden frame, and bright yellow and orange flames curling out from the sides. Rockets were circling the room, sparks showering down on the pub's customers. A large shadow appeared in the doorway, as McGonagall edged slowly towards it, wand first. The shadow stepped into the room with a loud stomp, shaking the very foundations of the building.

'...Hagrid?' was all McGonagall managed to say.

'Yes! It is I! I have entered your boring and dull lifestyle in a wondrous attempt to lift you from your low position in life, and into a glorious existence, along with myself and my companions!'

The room was full of confused expressions, and in one case, total and complete fear. Hagrid had entered the building.


	6. Chapter 6

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 6

'WELL? IS ANYONE EVEN HALF INTERESTED?' Hagrid boomed. He looked around the room, and saw no-one even react to him. Hagrid was disappointed.

'BAH! I GO THROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE MAKIN' A MASSIVE ENTRANCE AN' NOONE EVEN WANTS TA JOIN! RUBBISH! I BLAME YOU GEORGE, YOU CHUBBY FOOL.' George looked down in shame. He was completely and utterly emotionally shattered. The one chance he had at proving himself, proving that he didn't need Fred, had failed. It was obvious that he did indeed need Fred, and the realisation proved all too much for him as he broke down into tears.

'I-I only wanted to, to WAHHHHHHHHHHH!' He wailed. Hagrid sighed.

'Get up you idiot. I take it back, it wasn't your fault. You did great. And you're not chubby, really.' Hagrid rambled, rolling his eyes.

'R-Really?' George stammered, his eyes staring up at Hagrid, tears rolling down his face and dripping to floor, creating a small puddle on the floor. 'I did good?'

'Yes, you fool.' Hagrid replied. George suddenly jumped up off the floor and stood in a heroic stance. The tears had somehow disappeared completely, even the puddle had gone.

'Aha! I knew I could do it! I am the best! BOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!' The whole pub just stared in bemusement as George laughed manically to himself. Hagrid again rolled his eyes, and grabbed George by the collar.

'YER NOT THE BEST! I AM! GOT IT?' Hagrid boomed into George's face, his voice acting like a high-powered blast of wind, blowing George's hair back and distorting his face so that he looked slightly inhuman. George began to tear up again.

'Okay...I got it. I'm just a little emotional...y'know...' he mumbled to himself more than anyone else. Hagrid set him down and turned to the bartender.

'GET ME TEN KEGS OF THE STRONGEST BOOZE YEH'VE GOT! AND I WANT IT FOR FREE!'

The bartender yelped in surprise and shot off into the storeroom to get his kegs of 'Dragǿnbile.' It was so strong it was rumoured to have caused the death of Voldemort. Everyone knew of course, the Harry Potter defeated the Dark Lord, but some people were stupid and actually believed the rumour. What was known as a fact though, however, was that Dragǿnbile was 90% alcohol and 10% concentrated dragon blood. No one knows who actually came up with the recipe, it's probably lethal if consumed, and no one really drinks it in all honesty. But Hagrid had asked for it, and Hagrid was going to get it. Ten kegs of it.

Hagrid and his team were sat around a table in the corner of the room, discussing plans for the squad. Hagrid was determined to recruit more members to his team, yet knew no one who would join. They were interrupted by the bartender as he brought the ten kegs of liquid doom.

'LUVLY!' Hagrid shouted, already marching towards the booze. The bartender looked genuinely worried for Hagrid safety. Hagrid however, was thirsty, and wanted his booze. He walked up to the first keg, and grabbed it by the sides. With a surprising amount of ease, he lifted it above his head, and tilted it so his booze poured out into his eagerly awaiting mouth. The Dragǿnbile was a dark red colour, and the smell of it caused Mrs. Norris to run out of the Three Broomsticks with a fierce hiss. Filch was soon to follow, whining in Catspeak as he chased his beloved feline. The rest of the pub however, stared in awe as Hagrid had already emptied 4 kegs and was lifting his fifth into the air. He didn't even look slightly tipsy; anyone else attempting the same feat would either be dead, or worse - expelled. That is, assuming they attended Hogwarts, though I doubt anyone attending Hogwarts was even old enough to legally consume Dragǿnbile, let alone any other alcohol.

While everyone was busy being astounded by Hagrid's mighty constitution, the door (reluctantly repaired by McGonagall) crept open, and in walked a group of people. The front person looked around, and fixed his eyes on Hagrid.

'Well, well. What do we have here?'


	7. Chapter 7

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 7

Hagrid dropped his last keg of Dragǿnbile to the floor, and turned towards to the door, to face the mystery group.

'WHO THE HELL ARE YOUSE LOT?' Hagrid roared. The ten kegs of Dragǿnbile had at last had an effect on Hagrid, and he was slightly tipsy. He stared towards the shadowy figures; the light from outside cast them in silhouettes as they stood in the doorway. The presumed leader, as he was at the front of the group and had been the only vocal one so far, stepped forwards into the pub. The room gasped as they recognised his face.

'It's Rogan the Rogue and his Roguish Band of Rogues!' gasped a voice from the back of the pub. Hagrid turned back to see a very worried looking girl curled up in the corner of the pub. Rogan stepped closer to Hagrid. Hagrid took a good look at the man.

He was tall, and stood with a sense of grandeur. For a 'rogue', he carried himself as if he was royalty. He was undoubtedly wealthy, however, his long dark red coat trimmed with gold linery. He wore a matching red sash about his waist, with dark pants tucked into knee-high boots. He wore a white shirt under his coat, the top few buttons undone and golden medallions and pendants adorned his neckline in an excessive show of wealth. His expression looked smug, a constant grin plastered onto his face. He had an extremely finely trimmed beard, a good 8/10 on the beard scale, which was very impressive. His eyes were the bluest of blues, and looked even bluer compared to the clothes he wore. His hair was long and wavy and fell naturally to the sides of his face, his fringe swept over from left to right. Hagrid, utilising his eagle eyed vision, noticed his wand tucked into the red sash.

'Ah, I see my reputation precedes me. It is expected though, for someone as grand as myself to be talked about across the lands! Tell me girl, what is your name?' Rogan asked as he stepped jauntily towards the girl in question.

'J-Joja, sir.'

'...Joja? Joja? Hah! What an unusual name! Joja! My, it is rather amusing to say! Joja! Joja! Duds, my boy, join in!' One of the members of his 'Band of Rogues' stepped forward and cleared his throat. He towered above most people, excluding Hagrid of course. He was dark skinned, and had short dark hair, combed over into a curl at his fringe. Most noticeable was his moustache. It was a god amongst moustaches. It curled perfectly, it was 100% symmetrical, and there was absolutely no fault to it. It struck awe into anyone who so much as looked at it. Also, he was very well built, he looked as if he could challenge any wrestler in a no holds barred fight, and come out without a scratch. While not as elegantly dressed as Rogan, he was still dressed very well. He wore a white frilled shirt, buttoned up to the top, but with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, showing off his muscled forearms. He also wore brown trousers, with braces pulled up over his shoulders. His shoes were pointed at toe, and were miraculously shiny. 'Duds' must have spent hours polishing them.

'Joja.' He said, rolling his eyes.

'Isn't it amusing? Joja!' Rogan carried on. Joja herself meanwhile, just looked upon them in sheer confusion.

'Anyway!' Rogan interrupted himself, 'Where was I?...Ah yes! You were about to tell everybody here what you had heard of Rogan the Rogue; Rogue extraordinaire and ten times winner of the Ruggedly Roguish Award for Rugged Rogues! Consecutive, might I add.' Rogan's ego was obviously ten times that of any other man. Joja looked about nervously.

'Er. Well, I hadn't really heard much. I just heard that you were a bit of a douche really.' Rogan's ego-tastic grin paled into a sour look of complete disgust. He pulled his wand from his sash and started walking towards Joja.

'Why you insufferable little...silly...rude...disrespectful...FOOL!' he screamed as he pointed his wand at Joja.

'ILL HAVE NONE OF THAT IN MY PUB YOU FIEND OF MAN!' Hagrid boomed as he leapt towards Rogan. Rogan turned just in time to see the shadow of Hagrid descend upon him.

'Oh Cra-'


	8. Chapter 8

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 8

The room was silent. Joja was the first to react, edging slowly towards the hole Hagrid had made in the floor. Hagrid and Rogan and crashed through into the cellar. Filch returned with Mrs Norris, having chased her back to Hogwarts, and rushed back upon hearing the boom of Hagrid breaking the floor. He had returned surprisingly fast, possibly impossibly so. But that didn't matter right now.

Joja, Filch, Justin and George edged themselves to look over the edge, dreading what they would see. Joja gasped. Hagrid and Rogan were both led in a pool of booze. They had crashed through, into the cellar, the impact of the fall destroying every keg of booze in the room. Hagrid looked up to see the shock on the four faces, looking down upon them. He looked around himself, noticing the boozepool. He slowly looked towards Rogan, who turned to face him slowly...

They both burst into hysteric laughter. Hagrid grabbed hold of Rogan, hugging him in the manliest, yet friendly embrace. They both rolled around in the booze, splashing everywhere, drinking as much as they could. Joja turned to Filch and Justin. 'What the hell is going on?' she said.  
>'I honestly have no idea.' Justin replied. George himself was sat in the corner, curled up in a ball, sobbing quietly. Filch turned and noticed him. 'What's up wi' you, ya numpty?'<br>'IF FRED WAS HERE, THATD BE US THATD HAVE BEEN PLACED IN SUCH A HUMOUROUS AND UNEXPECTED PREDICAMENT, BUT NO, MY CHARACTER HAS SUFFERED GREATLY, AND INSTEAD I HAVE BEEN ALL BUT REPLACED BY AN EMOTIONAL WRECK OF A MAN' George snapped. Filch had stopped listening instantly and was now mumbling to Mrs Norris.

Hagrid and Rogan had stopped rolling round and were now sat against the wall. Hagrid placed his hand on Rogan's shoulder. 'Y'know, when I saw ye at first, a thought "HE LOOKS LIKE A BIT OF AN IDIOT" but like, now, I look at ye and I think "That there, is man who has no worries in life, he has his own style, and that, I greatly admire" Hagrids tipsy ramblings were being eagerly absorbed by an equally tipsy Rogan, his face flushed pink. 'You're like, so nice, Mr. Hagrid. You're a top guy.' Hagrid grinned a knowing grin.

'I know, I know, and please; call me Rubes.'

'Okay...Rrroobsszz.' Rogan mumbled, as he dunked his face into the pool of beer. However, being tipsy, he lost his balance, and just fell forwards, face first into the booze. Hagrid erupted with laughter, and the onlookers from the pub couldn't help but smile. Even McGonagall was happy now, she suddenly felt the urge to dance, and dance she did. It was rather impressive actually, she could probably even pass as a professional dancer. Comparable to Michael Jackson, even. George had actually cheered up a bit as well. The bartender should probably have been upset, but he was quite opposite. In fact, he front-flipped over the bar, dodged past his customers and dived through the hole in the floor, into the boozepool. Upon seeing this, McGonagall did the same, as did Justin, Joja, George, and the rest of Rogan's the Rogues' Roguish Band of Rogues. Mrs Norris had even jumped out of Filches loving embrace to swim in the booze. And cats don't even like water. If it wasn't such a bizarre scenario, then I wouldn't be surprised if Filch had broken down in tears. But he didn't. He jumped headfirst and joined everyone else in the booze.

And all was good.


	9. Chapter 9

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 9

Having left the pub, Hagrid and his newfound companions head back to Hagrid's Hut. Obviously, they were going to walk all the way, as walking is manly, and Hagrid is nothing if he is not manly. Rogan had left leadership of the group to Hagrid, despite how much he enjoyed ordering people around, but he knew that if he challenged Hagrid, Hagrid could have snatched the soul from his body in an instant. Figuratively speaking, of course. I think.

The rest of Rogan the Rogue's Roguish Band of Rogues introduced themselves to Hagrid, George, Joja, Justin and Filch. No-one had really paid any attention to them, as they were busy being pulled into the gravitational pull of Rogan's ego, or Hagrid's mere presence.

'Now now fellows!' Rogan said, turning to his rogues, 'Introduce yourselves to Hagrid and his boys! And Miss Joja here.' He had taken the 'douche' comment very seriously. It had left a sizeable dent in his abnormally large ego. 'Duds' stepped forwards.

'My name is Dudlington Smythe, although I it would probably be easier to take Mister Rogan's approach and refer to me as 'Duds',' he said without a change in his expression.

'Yes yes, Duds here is my enforcer. When things get nasty, I leave it to him,' Rogan continued, patting Duds on the back. Duds seemed almost annoyed at Rogan's mannerisms, but he must have his own way to put up with him. Rogan opened his mouth to continue, but was interrupted by a loud crash from nearby. Everyone turned to see a pair or legs sticking out from a bin. Rogan's grin disappeared from his face as his face dropped into his hands.

'That would be Eric...' he said, walking over towards the bin-legs. 'He's my, uh... right hand man. For lack of a better term, that is.' Hagrid's group exchanged looks of uncertainty and confusion. They were perplexed as to how someone could have ended up in such an unlikely yet comedically functional position. Filch however, had found many Hogwarts students in such positions whilst cleaning around the castle. Hagrid, with his all-knowing understanding of how the world works knew exactly how he had ended up in the bin. 'He was obviously looking for his shoelaces in that bin. Wiv'out shoelaces, yer shoes don't stay on, so when he leant over to look in the bin for 'em, he slipped, his shoes came off, and the sudden change in weight distribution led to him falling in deeper.' He was probably right.

Meanwhile, Rogan had pulled Eric out of the bin, and was pulling him back over to the group by his collar. For a right hand man, he certainly didn't look the part. He was rather tall, and had quite a gangly figure. His hair was mid-length, coming to his shoulders, but odd bits of hair were stuck out at odd angles. His shirt wasn't buttoned up properly, the sleeves on his jacket were too short for his arms, and using his hawk-like vision, Hagrid could see that his trousers were being worn backwards and that his shoes were on the wrong feet (shoelace-less, one might add). There was no way this was all accidental, you'd pretty much have to try to fail on so many levels. Rogan straightened his companion up, and brushed a banana peel off his shoulder before turning to the rest of the group.

'As I mentioned. This is Eric. Eric Failheart.' This got a few laughs and glances from Hagrid's group. 'Ill let him introduce himself...though I get the feeling I'm going to regret this...'

Eric steppe forwards and straightened himself of before clearing his throat. And then bursting into a sudden coughing fit. After recovering, he straightened himself up again and introduced himself.

'Ello, I'm Eric, and I am Sir Rogan's right hand man. Which means I have lots and lots of responsibilities, like doing whatever Sir Rogan tells me to do. And err...that's pretty much it. Um, any questions?' He looked nervously to Hagrid and his followers. Joja immediately spoke up.

'Why do you keep calling him 'Sir' Rogan? And there is no way your surname's' Failheart'!' Eric's expression turned sour after his surname was mentioned. Rogan answered for him.

'Well, that would obviously be because I have been knighted, my young lassie! It shouldn't surprise you that one as great and wealthy and handsome and generous and thoughtful and-'

'Okay, okay I get it!' Joja snapped at him. 'But what about his surname?' Rogan donned a look of confusion, and turned his ear to Joja, in an exaggerated expression of trying to hear her.

'What was that? Speak up little lady! You're going to have to speak up, what with being so short. Your voice simply cant reach someone who is so above you.' He replied, with an obvious look of content, as if he was very pleased with what he just said. 'Anyway, we're not even halfway through my merry band of companions! Scottiozo, Linzario, get over here!


	10. Chapter 10

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 10

Two figures stepped forwards from Rogan's group. Hagrid eyed them carefully. They were a man and a woman. The man, who Hagrid assumed to be 'Scottiozo' was quite tall and had dark hair poking out from underneath a black top hat adorned with various patterns. His fringe flicked out and curled around the brim at one side. He had a very elegantly styled beard and moustache, his beard coming to a point at his chin, and his moustache curling perfectly to each side. his expression was rather neutral, he lacked Rogan's monstrous ego, Duds' classy pout or Eric's downtrodden yet hopeful smile. He wore a black cloak that matched his hat, covering a muggle-style suit. He was mysterious, yet somehow eye-catching. Hagrid noticed the lack of colour in his outfit, which contrasted to Rogan greatly. After giving Scottiozo the honour of being aesthetically judged by Hagrid, he shifted his sights to Linzario. She couldn't have been much more different to Scottiozo. While Scottiozo was stood quite casually with his hands in pockets, Linzario was stood almost on her tiptoes, looking wide-eyed from person to person. Hagrid and his group were as much of a stranger to her as she was to them. She was dressed in a seemingly random set of clothing, that foricibly grabbed one's attention. It seemed she had gone to every muggle clothing store in the country, picking out the most vibrant clothes possible. Hagrid took special notice to the sparkling pink sequinned jacket she wore. (It actually sparkled, probably due a spell Linzario cast on it. Her long dark hair was style just as eccentrically, culminating in one of the most glorious quiffs that Hagrid had seen. Surely, that must also have been magically styled - it defied gravity to an insane degree.

'Greetings, fellow wizards. I am Scottiozo, the Grand, and this is my enchanting assisstant, Linzario.' Scottiozo declared. Linzario giggled at the mention of her name, and gave on over-exaggerated bow, her head almost touching the floor.

'Ello, chaps!' she piped, grinning. She looked around at everyone, until her eyes stopped, and grew wide. Scottiozo followed her line of sight and sighed.

'Cat! CAT! CAAAAATTTT!' Linzario screamed, running a straight path towards Mrs. Norris. Filch saw that his beloved was in danger. He could not stand for this. He stepped out in front of Linzario's mad charge. With steely determination in his eyes, he stood with the determination of a man ready to go to war.

'No-one har-' he spluttered as Linzarion backhanded him to one side leapt at Mrs. Norris. Filch tumbled to the ground, panicking, and turned to see Mrs Norris in Linzario's loving embrace. He blinked. Loving embrace? Linzario was sat down with Mrs Norris in her lap, stroking her fur. Her expression of joy was matched only by Mrs. Norris' own expression of content. Filch was overcome with emotions. Should he be happy that his love is happy, or mad that it is with another person? His mind raced back and forth, and then he promptly fainted due to exhaustion.

Scottiozo walked over and prodded Linzario is the forehead. 'Oi, back to reality.'

Linzario blinked a few times and then stood up, placing Mrs Norris down gently.

'Fine, fine...' she muttered.

'You're weird!' Justin burst out suddenly. Without any hesitation, Linzario pulled out her wand and flung a spell directly at Justin. Justin froze on the spot. Eric sensed the immediate danger and took action, hurtling towards Justin to push him out of the way. In a bizarre movement, he grabbed hold of Justin, pushed forwards, and then tripped over his own feet. He slipped forwards and down, yet kept his grip on Justin. Justin flailed, panicking, until he lost his footing, and in one swift motion, was brought crashing to the ground, headfirst. There was a loud 'crunch' as he hit the floor with Eric on top of him.

Eric got back to his feet and brushed himself down, happy that he had saved someone from Linzario's outburst. He offered his hand to Justin, and waited. And waited. And waited a little more. He poked Justin. 'Uh, you can get up now.' Hagrid appeared next to him.

'Move aside, little man.' he said as he crouched next to Justin, placing his fingers of his neck. His face dropped.

'Well, Mr. Failheart. Ye just killed Justin.'


	11. Chapter 11

THE ADVENTURES OF HAGRID AND THE DEATH-EATER-HUNTER-SQUAD

Part 11

There was an awkward silence. Even Linzario fell silent. Because Scottiozo had his hand held over her mouth to prevent laughter, but the point still stands. It was deadly quiet. Joja hardly even knew Justin but she looked devastated. George was almost in tears. Filch was still unconscious. Hagrid felt that he had to do something.

'WELL GUYS.' He boomed, trying to distract people from the unfortunate occurrence. 'WE WILL REMEMBER HIM FONDLY. HE WAS A GREAT MAN. TO JUSTINE FLINCH FETCHY!' No-one corrected his error, in fear of his reaction, so they just repeated.

'To Justine Flinch-Fetchy.' Another minute of silence passed.

'Um, I don't mean to interrupt such a tender moment,' interrupted a voice. 'But I don't believe that I've introduced myself.' Everyone turned to see who the speaker was. It was the last of Rogan's band, and he was right. Hagrid hadn't even seen the guy before.

'Ah yes.' Agreed Rogan. 'Friends, this is Svinx Blitz.'

'A pleasure to meet you.' Svinx replied. Hagrid scrutinized his appearance as he had done everyone else. He was of average build, neither skinny nor bulky. He has long, dark hair, tied back into a ponytail, with a few strategically placed strands of hair framing on side of his face. He had a look of content smugness, possibly containing an ego rivalling Rogan's, although it was highly improbable. He had makeup around his eyes in some kind of fancy pattern that bewildered Hagrid. Svinx was dressed rather elegantly. A dark purple coat was fastened over a black shirt. Black trousers we tucked into equally dark boots.

'Svinx here has a certain knack for...well, mayhem. Though he is an excellent dancer, I must say.' Rogan said as Svinx performed 10 consecutive pirouettes on the spot. 'Just be careful around him.' Rogan continued. Svinx rolled his eyes.

'At least I'm not a walking time-bomb like our dear Linzario.' Linzario stuck her tongue out at Svinx.

'RIGHT, WELL' Hagrid said, re-asserting his authority. 'Now we all know each other, we should get back to me Hut. We'll make our Death Eater Hunting plans there.' Everyone agreed with Hagrid's plan. Eric looked concerned though.

'Shouldn't I move Justin's body or something?'

'I'll do it.' Hagrid answered. 'You'll probably end up killing him again.'

Hagrid picked up Justin's body with little difficulty and put his body in the bin that Eric fell into earlier. It was hardly how he would have wanted to do it, but if he didn't hide him then he could get arrested for murder. Hagrid, warrior of justice, defender of the righteous, could not have his great name tarnished. So it was with great regret that he dropped Justin's body in among the trash, and walked away without a second thought.

He rejoined Rogan, Duds, Eric, Scottiozo, Linzario, Svinx, Joja, George, Mrs Norris and Filch (who was now conscious) and travelled back to Hagrid's Hut, to prepare for the adventure that was to come.


End file.
